Little Pink Shirt

“Thanks for the little shirt,” my wife said sarcastically, as she held out a pink shirt in front me. Her expression told me she wasn’t very happy. The shirt looked a little like one I had washed the day before.

“Why? What did I do now?,” I asked innocently.

“Did you put this in the dryer?,” she asked.

“Sure,” I replied, “it’s only 60 percent cotton.” Hey, I’m no dummy; I know that 100 percent cotton shrinks, but if something is about half cotton, into the dryer it goes. I’ve learned my lesson on that subject many times.

“Yes, but it’s also 40 percent rayon,” she retorted.

“So?” I shrugged.

“So, rayon does NOT go into the dryer, however polyester can,” she explained. “In fact, rayon is supposed to be dry cleaned only, but I’ve always just washed this. My leggings don’t get dried either, nor does anything with elastic. And whatever is washed in the machine gets washed in cold water.”

I vaguely remembered having this conversation before, like about once a week whenever I did laundry. My wife works all day at her office and then comes home to run her own business, so doing laundry is just one way I share in the household chores . . . sort of. I should write out a list of washing instructions to hang in the laundry room. Let’s see . . . 100 percent cotton gets washed in cold, but doesn’t go into the dryer. Anything fifty percent cotton and polyester can be put into the dryer. Anything rayon isn’t supposed to be machine washed, but does anyway, but does not get put into the dryer. She didn’t tell me about silk, but it’s probably all right to put into the washer, since silk worms live outside in the rain. Use the pH balanced to clean and protect without stretching, fading or shrinking liquid detergent on dark colors. Use the powdered detergent that is free of dyes and perfumes on other colors, along with some color-safe, activated non-chlorine bleach, if necessary. The whites get washed with improved whitening without bleach powdered detergent that has stain fighting bleaching action. Add a little fresh scent liquid bleach if necessary. I wonder if I should use the fresh scent stuff with the colors, since that detergent is free of perfumes?

Our laundry supply cabinet yielded seven types of liquid detergents and bleaches, four different boxes of powder, three spray stain removers and one rub-on stick that looked like deodorant. This laundry gig has become mind boggling. It seemed so simple before I was married. I just followed the Guy’s Rules to Laundry, which said to wash whites in one load and everything else in another, and try not to let anything red get mixed up with the whites. It was really easy back then, but when I got married, my wife brought along her Women’s Rules to Laundry and I found myself in some deep soap suds. She tried to be helpful and explain the differences and then informed me there were actually cleaning instructions on labels sewn into clothes. I always just looked for the big “XL” in a circle, since the rest of the label had printing so small I couldn’t read it anyway.

A label in one of my shirts reads, “100% cotton, machine wash warm, only non-chlorine bleach if needed, tumble dry (any heat OK), hot iron if needed.” That doesn’t fit any of the rules my wife set forth, because it falls under the Guy Rules, which she apparently doesn’t know about. The label in one of her shirts reads, “machine wash cold separately.” If all of her clothes were washed separately, we would immediately drain the reservoir. My underwear is 100 percent cotton and there is elastic in the waistband. If I strictly followed my wife’s instructions, I’d have to get my underwear dry cleaned, and that just ain’t gonna happen.

My wife complained a lot that she thought she was gaining weight, until she realized the problem was just me doing the laundry. Until I finally discover all the secrets to washing clothes, I’ll just struggle along the best I can. After all, I’m only a man.